But then I really started to think about what it means to raise a girl. That Sunday afternoon I was looking through the advertisements in the newspaper and realized not one picture represented the average looking teenager or woman. Every model, even those at "discount" or "uncool" stores like JC Pennys showcased beautiful, thin, and mostly white women to a disturbing extent. There were no elderly women, no average-sized or larger women, and certainly no asian or hispanic women. Wow, I thought, this daughter-thing is going to be much, much more difficult than I ever imagined.
And, honestly, even though I am disgusted by mainstream media's lack of realistic portrayal of women, I totally fall for the trap. I really hate to admit it, because it really goes against everything I believe is of great priority in life, but deep down inside, I am that insecure teenager who barfs her brains out to stay in a size 2. Before I became pregnant with my first child, I weighed around 105#. Underweight to some, but never quite thin enough for me. Even though I struggled with body image, I always did feel sexy and attractive - boys liked me and I liked the attention. And then I gained 50 pounds while pregnant and doomed to almost 4 months of complete bedrest. I coped by eating brownies and pizza almost daily.
During the post-partum period, I began running in order to shed the extra pounds. A couple months into my new hobby I broke my foot and could not do any vigorous activity for over 6 months. By the time I was back into the swing of things and loosing some weight, I found myself (surprisingly) pregnant again. I was horribly nauseous, weak, tired and miserable. I had to stop running because I was just too sick. My dreams of getting down to what I consider a "normal" weight had once again been thwarted.
I think about this all the time. I hate feeling this way - fat, unattractive, and just plain stupid for buying into all the bullshit about body image that has been shoved down my throat since childhood. I am embarrassed to admit this, and I wonder how on earth I can get over it before I have to set a positive, healthy image for my daughter (and son - of course).
What can I possibly teach them about beauty and acceptance if I am unable to accept myself, flaws and all?
Really great post, MM. Truly.
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog and plan to keep checking in. Thank you so much for putting this out there. This world still feels harsh for raising my daughter and my son to think of girls and women for who we are and what we think rather than what we wear or look like.
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